Woe! House mate went drinking with the cute boy and without me because he asked me if I was staying at home for the night without saying why he wanted me to go out. I told him that from now on, when he asks if I'm leaving the house again that evening, and I say no, it probably means, "I have no plans, so not unless someone else makes plans for me." and so he should explain why he's asking. cause seriously, I would have put my pants on to go have drinks with the cute boy. (Okay, fine. I probably would put my pants on for anyone if alcohol is involved, but I'm easy that way, and the weather's nice. For the cute boy, I'd put my pants back on even in the -10 windchill. (That's -23 for the Celsius-inclined among us, and was last week's weather.))

(I can't quite bring myself to say to the housemate that I'm totally up for doing pretty much anything if the cute boy is involved because, well, that's not how I am (after all, heaven forefend if other people can tell when I like someone.) and also the cute boy apparently has a girlfriend. (Even if he does think I'm awesome, which is just unfair. I'm thinking of passing a rule that only single boys can think I'm awesome.))

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The heat is currently off because it's 45 degrees outside. Unfortunately the heat doesn't care what temperature it is inside, so some rooms are a little brisk, such as my bedroom. Overall, mornings are unhappy, and tomorrow I shall have to actually get up when my alarm goes off so I can have hot water. the temperature should go back to the right areas soon, at least. Though, I have to admit, it's kinda nice to not wear a coat to work, though I miss the pockets.

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Also, thanks to watching Fever Pitch, every time I encounter the word Arsenal, such as the Arsenal Mall in Watertown, I think of the soccer team.

Tags: boys, lack of alcohol
Current Music: Semisonic - Brand New Baby

Okay, so I'm sitting in the meeting today, and the supervisor person says to someone, "we'll have to have someone else trained in this as well, so we'll still have coverage if you take a week off." and I thought, 'Oh my god. I haven't taken a day off since I started this job. No wonder I'm crazy." And it was pretty much all I could do to keep from bursting into tears.

And just now I remembered that it's not exactly true--I took one day off, the 25th of May, to go to Wiscon. But the fact remains (aproximately) the same.

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Why don't I trust people? Why, when I'm dealing with people who have not hesitated to tell me 'go away' in the past, do I suddenly doubt that they will continue to do so in the future and instead think, "I'm in the way." "I'm a bother." "He's just humoring me"? I was washing dishes the other day, preparation dishes, which technically fall under the job descriptions of the kitchen manager, so it's purely me being helpful to be anywhere near the dishes, but I often help. And KB said, "You don't have to do that," and I said, "I feel guilty if you're working and I'm talking to you and not helping," and he told me, "if you need to feel guilty, I'll tell you to feel guilty."

Which was his way of saying, "You're not a bother when you're talking to me," right? He's never hesitated that I can remember in saying, "I'm busy, go away." In fact, when he has accidentally said that, he'll quickly correct himself before I can think he's saying 'go away." when he means, "go stand over there where you're not in the way." Like yesterday when he was agreeing with me that I was allowed to be happy about getting a pair of mephisto clogs for $9, and he said, "You can be as happy as you'd like for a few hours, just, come back here when you're done," which for a moment I thought was him teasing that I could glory in the purchase, just not while he was around, but which he quickly clarified simply meant come back down to earth when I was done glorying, nothing to do with where I was physically.

And he's done it with other things as well--I was putting music on his computer the other day, and it was taking all evening, and i was thinking, "oh, god, I'm totally in his way," and he kept leaving to make phone calls and such like that, and I'm to the point that i was almost done, and I was like, "Okay, well, I'll just leave this the way it is, and you can give me the CD back when you're done with it, etc, I'll get out of your way, let you get back to what you want to be doing." And he said, "You don't need to leave, this is what I wanted to be doing." He'd brought me tea at one point, he was sitting in his 'easy chair' and making up packages of things to mail to friends and reading stuff he'd set aside, and talking to me about some of things he'd read, and I thought, "He would have said, "maybe you could finish this up some other time," if he'd needed the room back, why am I always such a freak?" why is it so hard for me to believe people?

And I do this all the time. And it's not just him.

I wrote to cory, and he wrote back, but all very short replies to all the things I'd said. And I thought, "oops, that's the duty reply, not the interested in the conversation reply," and haven't written back since. Even though he'd replied to many, many things that weren't actually questions. it wasn't written as an email that needed to be replied to, it was just written as a message I thought he'd enjoy, so the replies at all would probably mean that he enjoyed the email, right? And that I could probably write another one, and maybe ask what's up with the picture he took of me and Benben that never got posted.

I wrote to the boy in NC and never heard back, so does that mean he's not interested in hearing from me? Or does that just mean that he liked my email but didn't feel like it needed a reply? Boys do this sometimes, and I don't understand why--when I was talking to a boy that I met via Nerve once, he didn't reply to an email, and it had been the sort of thing that I was like, "oops, my fault, guess I annoyed him, I won't write back again," and so I didn't for like, 2 weeks until I was really bored, whereupon I think he replied to me in all of 6 minutes, and I thought, "huh. guess he wasn't annoyed with me." Should I tell KB to tell him to write to me if he wants to hear back? Should I assume that he doesn't hate me, even though it was an email and a phone call on the same day and no reply to either? Should I assume that he does? Should I just wait? Why isn't there a guide book to any of this stuff?

And why didn't I take my pain killers when I walked up stairs instead of waiting an hour and a half and my knee still aches and I have to go back downstairs again?

Tags: boys
Current Music: My Morning Jacket - I Will Sing You Songs

I had to leave meeting this morning when the kids left because every time I'd close my eyes to center down, I'd see how his shirt gapped and I could see the hollow in his hip just above his underwear. Which, while pleasant and all, is not conducive as of "an openness to the leadings of the Spirit" as a meeting for worship should be.  Unless the Spirit is suggesting that I need to "acknowledge and nurture sexuality as a gift from God for celebrating human love with joy and intimacy."    And seeing as that's about all you ever talk about too.  Hmm.  Reading this section, I feel I've been lax in my Quakerism as I haven't been 'learning to incorporate sexuality in [my life] responsibly, joyfully, and with integrity' since childhood. 

Huh.  My faith and practice says *nothing* about how many people belong in a marriage.  I don't think I'd noticed that before. I mean, I'd noticed that it doesn't use any sort of gendered terms, including in the passages about families, but other than quotes of historical personages, it says nothing about the sex of anyone in the marriage.  Oh, wait, the marriages section does say 'the couple,' but the sexuality part mentions no such limitations.  I apparently can only marry one person in the eyes of the meeting, but I can maintain whatever sort of relationships that don't interfere with my seeking the divine will and such.  Good to know, though I was planning to be traditional. 

cause right now, everytime I'm not thinking of something else, I remember how all I would have had to do was move my hand about 12 inches over and a couple inches down, to the smooth patch of skin I kept noticing, and keep remembering now, and I'd be well on my way to sexual harassment. 

Instead, though, I lay in the grass and watched the sky get darker around venus, and the stars come out.  And I listened to the music, and watched the little girl on the blanket next to us conduct the orchestra, and not ever wonder if it was something little girls are supposed to do.  I hope she grows up and becomes a conductor, she was having so much fun doing it.  And I listened to the music, and thought, "oh, I remember this bit,"  and, "ooh, I know what's next."  When I was growing up, my dad always had the radio on when he was cooking or pretty much anything else, so I grew up listening to classical music and country.  And I don't know the names of many of the pieces, but I recognize them as soon as they start. 

I didn't quite get choked up during the Ode to Joy.  It was so beautiful and all, but I wasn't as fond of the soloists as I have been in other renditions of it.  Their voices didn't work together the right way, and...I don't know, it just jarred me.  but oh.  The choir bits.  So lovely.  We both sat up for that part. 

Yesterday day I stopped by a bookstore and found a copy of The Renwick Gallery's picture book, Jingo by Pratchett, Dangerous Angels, and a lad-lit book, all for a buck a piece.  woohoo!  Oh, and then I read all of a book at the B&N, and then I had a raspberry milkshake as a definate treat for myself, and called my dad as I walked back to the house.  I told him he's my grandparent's favorite ex-son-in-law, but this is truly a case of damning with faint praise--one of the exs nearly killed my aunt, and the other was systematically an asshole for so long.  My dad might have been an asshole, but at least after a few years he didn't come to Christmas anymore.  :) 

And then we had a discussion of queries and such for the admission process in the kitchen when I got back from walking around today (down to tealuxe, and then back along the esplanade, where I took pictures.  I loved all the architecture in DC, but here it's kinda...less impressive.  Maybe I'm in the wrong places.  I did start doing a study of...sidelights?  so we'll see if I can't find some nice ones, and I'll probably start throwing together a website about now since I haven't much else to do unless I work on the angel smut.  Hmm.  you know, I think I'll print out Red Sky tomorrow and see if anyone in the house can put their finger on the problems.  timprov had some really good suggestions, as did chance88088, so I just have to poke the story a bit more and see if I can't find the right ending for it.  i think I'm really close now. 

Tags: boys, quaker
Current Music: Barenaked Ladies - Unfinished